I may not get all the facts right, and everything may, in fact, be completely fabricated. The point is, I like it. And it’s fun. And I think we should start with the original US baller – our first president, George Washington.
When George Washington was just a lad, he was assigned a school writing exercise. GW ended up composing a list: “Rules of Civility and Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation.” I like to think that if GW and I were homies in 2010, he would have listed my tutorial on How to Dance in Polite Social Situations as a subset of his series. Many of these rules are awesome, and still apply today. For example:
- In the Presence of Others Sing not to yourself with a humming Noise, nor Drum with your Fingers or Feet. (Keep it to yourself, American Idol.)
- In visiting the Sick, do not Presently play the Physician if you be not Knowing therein. (Mom, are you reading this? Stop diagnosing me with fatal illnesses, please. J/K.)
- When you see a Crime punished, you may be inwardly Pleased; but always shew Pity to the Suffering Offender. (Bwahaha. Awesome.)
Fast forward to when he’s… older and junk.. in the midst of the Revolutionary War. He also had very strong feelings about profanity. He disliked it so much, he wrote an order against profanity – ordering his men to abstain from swearing. I suppose it reflects the rule he wrote when he was a boy:
- Use no Reproachful Language against any one neither Curse nor Revile. (You can’t say four letter words or other words that would make your mom mad. Unless you’re a PG13 movie. Then you’re allowed one f-bomb and unlimited bursts of “What in the fresh hell?”)
- When in Company, put not your Hands to any Part of the Body, not usually Discovered. (Lord have mercy. Please stop adjusting your bra, grabbing your crotch, or untucking your wedgie in public. Find a bathroom. With a lock.)
Can you imagine? Commander-in-chief GW and his crew are at battle against Britain.
It’s like the Crips and the Bloods, but probably with less rap music.
The Continental Army pops a couple of shots off. Wins! Celebrates!! A young soldier is extra exuberant.
Oh no he didn’t.
